So... I sort of feel like hypocrit now. First I write about how happy I am and how I try to avoid negativity and then I rant on about how angry I am!!! So I'm turning my frown upside down! Letting it go and moving on! I'm soooooooper excited about this weekend!!!!! I'm going to elk grove with Amanda on Saturday to look at a puppy!!!!! Oh F!!! I'm so excited I love puppies!!! And then on Sunday I'm going to the ballet, the little mermaid, with my Pa! So I have a fun filled weekend ahead of me!!! That along with the beautiful sun shining down should be just what I need to get back to my normally happy cheerful self!! :)

Mental Piracy...

I’m angry… I’m upset… I’m disappointed…

For nearly two months now I remain single
Left alone in the world, not wanting to mingle
The love for you I will not hide
But with hard work I’ve learned to let it subside
I’ve been patiently letting time take its toll
Giving my heart the time it needs to rearrange and grow
I wont lie it’s not easy to move on
The feelings I have once felt so right
They are not something I can simply erase over night
You and I both know
Things were not quite over two months ago
We tried and we tried to move on
But quickly we regressed into the emotional state we once called home.
With full force we recollided
Heart and soul again united.
However, I was misleaded
And fully defeated
I feel as if I was a part of game
A systematic scheme in your search for fame
Like I said I may be single
But with my heart in mind I’m not ready to mingle
I wish you could say the same
It makes me sick, the thought of you
Already in search for someone new
Do you not agree?
It is not right to move on so quickly
At times I feel that you were untrue
Of the feelings you claimed you once had for us two
It’s been long since
I’ve felt such a feeling of insignificance
And I must assert
How truly I am hurt
To know it is so easy for you to move on
Even knowing that it has not been long since I’ve been gone
I feel you are in a search
A quest for answers
Trying to heal, to deal, to feel
In pursuit for something other than me
You felt the need to flee
What I hope for you
Is that you are truly through
That your heart has set itself free
Of any left over debri of the life you had with me
Unlike you I chose to wait
Not ready to date
To set the bate
In hopes of finding my soul mate
It is too soon
My heart is not yet in tune
It’s true, I no longer want you
But to say I’m ready for someone new
Would truly be untrue
So I will wait until the morning when I no longer wake up blue
Thinking of you
Before I start anew


So as it would seem somebody has begun seeing other people. Not quite sure for how long, but honestly regardless I think it’s too soon. I’m hurt and I’m pissed about it. It was just too easy for him to move on. And to quick. It makes me feel like I was worth nothing to him. How was he able to forget about me so quickly? And at the same time I really think he’s not over me. That this is his way of moving on in an attempt to get over me. Maybe that’s not true but somehow believing it makes me feel a little better. I’m pissed because I was doing so good! I mean I’ve been sad and lonely and I do miss him at times but overall I’ve handled this way better than I thought I would. But now I realize the reason I’ve done so well is because I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t heart broken. It just simply didn’t work out. And although that hasn’t changed his ability to move on so quickly belittles me and honestly leaves me feeling a little wounded. I’m hurt. I’m hurting really bad. And as it would seem hurt brings out anger. That’s right… anger! From me? I know appalling right?? I wrote all the below nonsense a couple days ago when I discovered said persons intentions. I was extremely hurt and in desire to clear my head. I’m honestly shocked at how truthful, kinda harsh and not gonna lie kind of cutthroat (mmm.. I like the sound of that word) it all came out! But nonetheless I think it is all true.



DISCLAIMER before reading: I tend to generalize. So just go ahead and replace words like always and never with words like frequently and often. I don’t want it to seem like he always an asshole. He’s a nice guy too!

Here is what I think of you. I think you are immature, controlling, and selfish!!!! You have this view of the world and the way YOU think it should be. You are not excepting to others and the way they live or think. You think you are always right and others are always wrong. Here’s the world through your eyes: I want a shitload of money, a house with said amount of rooms and such and such amenities, arms that are so many inches big, this “perfect” girl who not only wants to conform to all my rules and needs but also be fun and outgoing. Yea goals are great but what the fuck are you doing to achieve any of this!!!

And you say I have no ambition. That I just sit around and am not going anywhere with my life. Ok yea, I’ll admit it. I am a tad lazy and do lack drive. But I’m trying and I am a work in progress, which is more than I can say about you. What makes you think you have the right to judge me? And what makes you think that you’re any more ambitious than I am? Do you think that because you work your ass off at some dead beat job that will lead you absolutely no where and have a house that you hate and are miserable living in makes you a better person than me? What have you been doing with your life that makes you so much better than me????? Please inform me! Yea I know you want to go back to school, become a personal trainer, own a gym blah blah fuckin blah. I’ve heard it all. You want to rule the fucking world. But what are you doing to make it happen? NOTHING! You are all talk. Which is fine. You are young, you are trying to figure yourself out, you are trying to balance a lot and achieve it all, all at once. Which is why I never judged you. When you mentioned these things I would attempt to help and point you in the right direction but I never got on your case for being where you’re at in life, and I expected the same from you. But for some reason you aren’t able to look in the mirror, maybe because you are too focused on critiquing other people. Yes I live at home. I have little responsibility. But you know what? This is the life I chose for myself. I had your life. I worked a fucking stupid ass job that took me no where, lived somewhere I hated, dropped out of school. And I hated it like you do. And you know what I did? I CHANGED!!! I moved home. I now have opportunities I didn’t have then. And yes I’m not taking full advantage of these opportunities as much as I should be, and I’m pissed at myself for it, but like I said I am trying. I’m going to school. I’m working to make enough money to survive. I’m trying to be a better person, to be more successful with my life. I’m not telling you to take the route I chose. But YOU chose the life you live. So either change it or deal with it!! STOP bitching!!!!! And just because what I do doesn’t go along with your plan does not make me a bad person or mean that I’m not ambitious. According to the dictionary, Ambition: an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment. Notice the last part, the WILLINGNESS to strive. What are you willing to do besides bitch and moan and do nothing? I’m not going at the pace that either you or I would like to see me at. But at least I’m doing something. And about the ambition thing. When did you ever mention this little problem you had with me? Pretty sure never. I know you brought it up casually. But it if was really a problem you should have seriously talked to me about it. That is another one of your problems. You get mad and hold it in. What is the point of that? What do achieve from this? NOTHING! If you have a problem, you either fix it or get over it. Don’t hold it in. That is pointless. Wasted energy! When you are angry you should try to figure out a way to make that anger go away! Right? Am I crazy for saying that?? Who the fucks wants to sit around being angry and depressed all the time? What a drag? Get over yourself.

Also about this “perfect” girl, she DOESN’T exist!!!! No one is perfect. From what I’ve observed this is what you want: Someone who “knows her place in the home,” wants to clean up after you, cook for you, do the laundry, sit around and occupy herself whilest your playing video games, working out, sulking quietly in your bed, or whatever the fuck you do and also be this fun, spontaneous, the lol’ing type of girl. Both of these girls exist, but independently. You will never find a girl with all these qualities. You can find a girl who wants to take care of you, but you know what she will also be? Quiet, reserved, unopinionated, boring! You can also find an outgoing fun girl. But this bitch isn’t going to want to take care of all your shit! She is going to be independent and strong willed and shes going to want a man who knows how to take care of himself. The girl you want DOESN’T exist. You can find a girl who is a mixture of both, for example, me, just a little bit of everything. But you aren’t willing to compromise. You want everything. You don’t want a girl that cleans a little and laughs a little. You expect her to do it all, and that’s just not realistic. And yet at the same time what are you willing to do for this perfect girl. Say a perfect girl did exist, I’m pretty sure she wants the “perfect” guy. For example, in her eyes, someone who is affectionate, someone who genuinely attempts not to take his bad moods out on her, someone who knows how to communicate when communication is necessary, someone to love her for the person she truly is NOT the person he expects her to be. Now I know I wasn’t a perfect girl so perhaps you were a little resilient in being the perfect guy for me, but if the perfect girl came along would you be willing to fit her unrealistic list of rights and wrongs? Whenever I asked anything of you, yea you would listen, you would change for a few days, but in the end you were you and I just had to deal. You had the mentality of “this is who I am, I’m not changing, deal with it!” So basically you expect the world to revolve around you while you sit around and do nothing in bettering yourself. How about you do the world a favor. Stop talking and start walking. Put your words into action and if not then shut the fuck up and deal with the life you have because unless you are willing to make a change, your life will continue to go no where new and you’ll just keep on going in the same circle, wasting your time.

.me.

This is me: I am not perfect. I never will be, and I would never want to be. If you think you’re perfect than you will never grow. I am continually striving to grow, change, learn and experience new things, and become a better person. I have yet to meet a person that is happier than I am. I don’t quite know why I’m so happy. I think there is this misconception that the reason I’m happy is because my life is just so easy. Yes it is true. I currently live at home, work a few days a week, take a class here and there, have no bills and so on. Yes I will admit my life is pretty damn easy! However, I haven’t always had it easy. I wont say my life was incredibly rough but let me just say I’ve been through tougher times. I’ve had various family issues, that most people in my situation would honestly probably have turned to drugs or depression to cope with, I’ve had a job where I worked 40+ hours while going to school full time and having multiple bills to pay, with not enough money to pay them. My life has not always been easy, and the ease of my current life is not the reason I’m happy. I guess I’m just different, that’s all. I love life!!!! I really do! I think it is short, and I want to enjoy every second of it that I can. I avoid negative emotions of all kind as much as I can. I cannot stand the feel of them, being stressed, mad, sad, anxious, the list goes on and on. They’re no fun!! They seriously make my body ache all over!!! Uhh… just thinking about them makes me cringe. Life is all about perception. I do not value life by the things I have, but how I perceive those things and there place in my world. Things will NEVER bring you happiness! There are plenty of struggling people who are a hell of a lot happier than wealthy people, this is because they have chosen to perceive the things in their lives as good things and have allowed themselves to be happy. Only you can bring you happiness! It’s something you have to find within yourself, something you have to allow yourself and be willing to feel. I sort of think this mentality is what leads to my lack of a drive. Believe me I want better things for myself. I would have liked to have finished school by now and just have more going for myself. I think my contentness (pretty sure that’s not a word, by the way, I make up my own words sometimes, embrace it!) often holds me back. Like I said I don’t measure value in things. To me I am happy, therefore I am successful. So because I see myself as successful, it’s often hard for me to work on other things that I don’t enjoy so much such as school and being an adult and whatnot. But what I’ve realized recently is that this success is only internal. And that to be truly successful you must achieve both your internal and external goals. So I guess I’m growing up a bit. I’ve realized being happy isn’t the whole picture. I think it’s the most important part, because without it what’s the point of everything else, but I can achieve more than that. And to some, those people I was talking about, those struggling but happy, some might say those people are not ambitious and just settling for less, which yes I guess that is a valid opinion. To each there own, I suppose. I guess if I could be rich and happy, that would be better than struggling and happy! But until I’m amongst the rich and famous I am going to continue to love myself and the life I’m building for myself, growing happier with each and every day. Like it or not, this is me!! For now at least…